Alternate Universes, or, Not What I Had Planned

The Big Bang happens over and over again?
The Big Bang happens over and over again?

Yesterday I was driving around to run various errands.  I was hitting the pre-set buttons on the car radio, trying to find something worth listening to, since I didn’t have my iPod with me.  I landed on WNYC-FM, and began listening to a guy tell a story about alternate universes.  The show was from TheMoth.org, which supports storytelling of true stories by real people.

Anyway, he said that every time there is a decision or a path is taken, two universes exist at the same time–one where you said yes, another where you said no, one where you went left, one where you went right.  I think his last name was Reiser, I can’t remember.  But he told a hilarious story about how, at a time in his life when he was feeling very lost and had quit his job to “find himself”, he dreamed up this whole alternate universe in which he was a professor at Cornell.

He had all the details–married, lovely wife, two great kids, successful career, perfectly happy.  In his current life he felt very depressed by this vision, and went to his “family psychic” (his words.)  The psychic told him the rest of the story.  “You could have taken this path if you had gone to Cornell,” the psychic said.  “But then your wife would have cheated on you with your best friend and left you, taking the kids, and you would start drinking, and you wouldn’t get tenure.”  So it was just as good an alternate universe to be driving around in a beat-up Volkswagen van, having left his job as a database consultant, and not knowing what he was supposed to do with his life.

I’ve been thinking about the story ever since.  The guy really made me laugh.  But I wanted to know, is he happy now?  I think he is doing some kind of new-age thing in Boulder, Colorado (makes sense with the rest of the story.)

As Americans, we’re all about reinvention.  I can’t tell you how many people said to me, when I was out of work, “You need to reinvent yourself.”  And how badly I wanted to slug them in the nose.  I liked the me I was, and the work I did before!  But the world changes, so we have to move on.

So maybe it’s not reinvention I need.  Maybe it’s that alternate universe.  If I had called that made-for-TV-movie producer who gave me his card on the flight to NY, who owned the horse farm outside of Nashville, or had gone to school in English lit instead of business?  Or run away when I was 35?  But it would just be another story, and maybe not a happier one.

I have to think about that some more.  What about you guys?  Do you want an alternate universe?

BTW, I found the guy and his story–Tom Weiser.

My Mother’s Shadow

Mother
Several years ago my niece Judy found an old camera with film in it at my sister Glenda’s house in Ohio.   My brother-in-law John bought it in Japan while he was in the Navy during the Korean War.  It took color photos, which wasn’t common at the time among amateurs—this was some time before Instamatics and Kodachrome.

Judy took the camera to a camera shop, where they removed the film safely and developed it.  She gave me a framed 5×7 print of one photo for Christmas that year.  (I wanted to scan it for this blog post, but the print has stuck to the glass of the frame, so I can’t remove it without damage.)  It’s the only color picture I have of myself as a small child.  I look about two years old, still a bit babyish, in a dress and white baby shoes, with pudgy arms and legs and a round face.  I am wearing an expression my friends all recognize to this day as, “I’m playing along with you because I have to, but you are trying my patience severely.”

This must have been a family outing of some sort since John and Glenda were there, and at that point we all lived in Clarksville, Tennessee, 40 miles away.  I’m standing alone on the steps of the Confederate Memorial in Centennial Park in Nashville.  It’s summer, and I will be three years old in the fall.

At the corner of the photo is my mother’s shadow, stretching over the steps close to my feet.   She has a middle-aged figure, stout around the waist, and is wearing a bucket-shaped hat with a brim.  Her shadow leans toward me.  Mother is not reaching out to keep me from falling, but one feels that the moment the picture is taken she will sweep me off the stairs to safety.

Mother was afraid of many things, I learned as I grew older.  Glenda said Mother was terrified that I would die as a baby, because she had had a miscarriage between my brother and me and because she was an “older mother”—all of 38 years old when I was born, the last of five children over a span of 19 years.  She hardly let me out of her sight.  Glenda said at one point I broke out in a rash, and Mother took me to the pediatrician.  He said, “There’s nothing wrong with her.  You’re making her so nervous she broke out.”

I spent most of my life convinced I was utterly unlike my mother in every way.  I was rational, she was emotional.  I was calm, she was nervous.  She used to say, “You’re just like your daddy,” and I was proud.  I tried to practice being the strong, silent type like him.  I found it hard to say what I felt.  But as I grew older I realized I wasn’t calm, I was just pretending to be calm.  I was rational, but I had emotions too.

Mother died in 2004 after many years of illness and devoted care from Glenda.  I miss her on Mother’s Day especially.   No matter how old I get, her shadow is still there, on the edge of the picture.